Breaking The Chains
By Sharon Cantillon
My need for affection and a lacking sense of my own femininity drew me into emotionally dependent relationships with women. I felt helpless to free myself.
How had I gotten here? I was 33 years old and in a lesbian relationship with a married woman. I had dreams of a career, marriage and children. I had the career, but the hopes of a family seemed so remote. If only I were not attracted to women, life would be so good. I didn't want to be a lesbian, but I felt compelled by my need for companionship and affection. Why did I feel like this? Was I born gay? That never seemed plausible to me so I didn't give it a serious consideration. As I looked back on my life growing up, I would put my childhood in the (normal) category, if there is such a thing. I came from a religious home with two loving parents. I never once doubted they loved me, yet affection in my home was in short supply, especially from my mother. She hadn't gotten it from her parents, so she simply repeated what she knew. I got plenty of attention from both parents, but not that doting affection a little girl needs. I later craved it from other women.
Another very important childhood factor was how I perceived my mother and father. My father was in control of the household. He was given to verbally picking on my mother and losing his temper with her. This would make me angry on the inside. During these times, my mother would say nothing as my father ranted and raved. This was her way of dealing with him I suppose, but from my perspective as a little girl, I saw my mother as passive and weak. So, I made an unconscious decision to be like my father, not my mother. I wanted the position of control and I didn't want to be picked on. I remember my Mom asking me from time to time if I wanted to learn how to cook. I 'd decline and then go out and mow the lawn or help my father put siding on the house.
I had many girlfriends g rowing up. Some were tomboys like me. I began to notice as we entered junior high, they were becoming increasingly more feminine. They also seemed more interested in boys than I was. Although I had boyfriends during my high school years, physical attractions and emotional connections just weren't that strong.
I began to notice in my early teens that I found an attraction towards actresses on TV. I felt slightly alarmed, but I brushed it off as merely esteeming their beauty. I didn't know much about homosexuals, but I knew enough to know that I didn't want to be one. I had plans for my life and that didn't include being with other women. I continued in this pattern of denial until my sophomore year in college. I was finally able to verbalize that I was attracted to women. Even still, I had no attention of allowing myself to go there.
A year later I received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. A whole new world was set before me. I had assumed that my same sex attraction would become a thing of the past. I prayed and asked the Lord to take them away. To my great dismay, He didn't. After college, I went on a two- year mission trip to Chili, South America. Without the support system of friends, family, job and activities I quickly fell into a lesbian relationship with a Chilean woman. Within a year, I resigned from my missionary duties and continued living in Chili with my lover. I previously considered homosexuality to be a sin. Now it was different. I figured love is love whether I love a man or a woman. I love this woman so it must be OK with God. The inner conflict never truly subsided though. Every few months it would bubble to the surface and I would push it back down.
My relationship with this woman was very turbulent. The highs were very high and the lows were very low. There never seemed to be a minute's peace. I was so bound emotionally to her that I could not get out. I felt trapped by my own emotional need and by her acts of desperation when I tried to put some distance between us. I eventually needed to leave the country, but planned on bringing her to the U.S.A. or returning to Chile within a year.
I had become a stranger to church and God. After a year, my sister invited me back to church. I felt as if each and every sermon was for me. The Lord spoke deeply into my soul. Shortly after that, I ended my three - year relationship with my lover. My reason for doing so, ironically, was not because of the homosexual nature of our relationship, but because we didn't share the same faith. I was a Christian and she had no faith. I still could not see that homosexuality was wrong. Within months, the Lord convinced my heart that it was not part of His plan.
Although I had this truth, I still hadn't dealt with the root causes of my same sex attraction. I had no idea that there were any. Before long, my heart turned toward another woman. This time, it was a woman with a husband and two children. I had no illusions that what I was doing was right at any level. As a matter of fact, I had a great deal of guilt. Because of the guilt and wanting to do the right thing before God I attempted to leave this woman many times over the next four and a half years. I couldn't. It was too emotionally painful and I was too weak.
I was still going to church so that my heart would not become hard before God. I felt a heavy conviction every Sunday and lived in my sin the rest of the week. At one point, I began a study at church that required me to be in the Bible daily. I began to be amazed at the character of God. At first I panicked. If I got close to Him, I would have to leave my lover. I then felt the Lord say to my heart, "Sharon, don't worry about your homosexuality, just get to know me". So, I continued in the Bible study and continued in my sin. Over the next four months, God so wooed me to Himself that I knew that it was Him that I wanted. It was evident that my lesbian relationship had no place know, so I ended it. I felt as if the chains of my bondage dropped from me. I've never desired to return to that way of life again.
Now this doesn't mean that my feelings towards women had changed. There were still many issues with which to deal. I figured just me and God could work this out together. I didn't want to reach out for help. I was OK for a while, but then I began to struggle. It was then
that I knew that I would need the help of other Christians. I found an ex-gay ministry. This is where my healing journey began. The Lord has done incredible work in the years since then.
I learned that I hadn't fully embraced my femininity. This is why I always felt more feminine when I bonded to another woman. The Lord Jesus has continued to pour His femininity into me. With each passing year, I embrace it more deeply.
I learned why the sexual aspect of my relationship always took a back seat to affection and the emotional bond. This is because my same sex attractions were not primarily sexual but emotional. I was trying to make up for what I lacked
Emotional dependency was by far my greatest hurdle in the healing process. Emotional dependency is a form of unhealthy relating. "It occurs when the ongoing presence and nurturing of another is believed to be necessary for personal security." This is a relational idolatry, desiring that a person fill that place in us that only God can fill.
After leaving lesbianism, I still related to women in emotionally dependent ways. By God's grace, I began to relate differently as I developed loving relationships with healthy Christian women. They helped me to establish good boundaries as I worked through my issues. These precious friends stuck with me rather than rejecting me as I feared. As the roots of my lesbian neurosis diminished, living became much more joyful.
Jesus has taught me so much about the inner working of my mind and heart and has loved me no matter which stage I was in. He is the God who delights in healing our wounds and bringing us to a greater freedom to live life fully in Him. He rescues us in our weakness and puts our feet on solid ground.
Thank You Jesus!
By Sharon Cantillon
Director of Walking Free Ministries
Used with permission
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